Friday, October 17, 2008

Life and death

Well, I proved my point with my first post. I wrote a lot! It didn’t seem like that much until I uploaded it. It’s likely to happen again… and again, lol! When I actually do start writing, there are so many things trying to get out.

I was planning on writing about what happened five years ago – and it may still tie in some tonight. However, as I sat here, I was pulled back to the conversation that I had with a friend last night. We hadn’t spoken in some time, and it was so good to reconnect.

Not so good was hearing that in the past couple of months, there have been multiple suicides in the town where I moved from. Three separate suicides, no relation. Two were people I knew, although not well. It came as a shock, to say the least – especially the one woman I knew. I knew her as a strong, intelligent, vibrant woman. I thought she was well-to-do, and very successful. The side that she didn’t show to the public was apparently addicted to alcohol, and heavily in debt. Sadly, this is the side that won.

I can’t comment on what it’s like to be an addict, and how it alters who you really are. I haven’t been there. I can only imagine that when you give control of your mind over to a substance to escape – legal or otherwise – that eventually, your mind is altered to where it either can’t or doesn’t want to come back. Maybe addiction becomes the beginning of suicide?

Of course, as with anything, you can overcome addiction if you choose to. I know, from knowing others, that it’s so very challenging and a lifelong process. Heck, I can’t even conquer sugar or caffeine – I can’t imagine craving something so much more powerful…

Anyways, back to the woman above. At what point does it become too late? It doesn’t take alcohol to decide that things are too overwhelming to go on, though I’m sure alcohol “helps”. I believe that the strong, vibrant woman was who she really was. Where did that person go when she needed her most? Why does the voice of failure seem to scream so much louder than success?

So many questions… I have opinions, I have what is my truth, but I know I can’t answer for anyone else. In this case, I know I will never know, and that saddens me. If I could step back in time and share my perception of her with her…

If we could only see ourselves as good beings doing our best, and know that there can always be more to life. I say “can be”, because it is a choice – whether to live, how much to live… When you’re in the midst of a crisis, you forget that there is more. More doesn’t mean easy or hard, it just means more. Whatever we’re going through will pass and will change – no matter what we do. In that moment, we think we’re powerless. Really, it’s more that we’ve given up our power.

When we give up our power, life gets incredibly bumpy. You can sink really fast. My mom and I did, all the way down to rock bottom.

Looking back, I don’t know how we made it. The thing is, now we can look back. And, as I look back, I feel the pain and suffering – I have to be careful on that one, because I can still let too much in – but, as I look back, I am constantly awed and amazed by our journey over this time. There are still some bumps to get over, but we’ve really come a long ways. We’ve learned so much, and are still learning – still finding reasons to live and move forward.

As I said last time, I don’t believe death to be a bad thing. There are ways of living that are far worse than dying. However, if we choose life, it’s out there waiting for us. If we ask for guidance, we do receive. The answers may not be what you expect or think you want at the time, but if you ride it through, you’ll look back and see that the answer was what was needed.

Final thing to wrap this up, because I’ve just filled over a whole regular page – money isn’t everything. Heard that one before? ;-) Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy money, I want money, and I want it to flow into my life in a healthy, positive, ample way. However, having lost it all, having no credit – I know you CAN still live. You will make it back. And, if you do it right, you’ll have a whole new, improved way of life. The key is doing it right, because repeat lessons aren’t fun.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Dedicated to the memory of the strong, vibrant woman who didn’t make it back; in the end, she became a teacher…

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